I’m actually so scared that it’s eating me alive. I don’t wanna go. The worst thing would be for me to stay here. I’m bored of Paris and stuff, about La Seine running out, about everyone i know and about my habits- that’s what is scaring me the most. I would really like to go, leave for Lausanne, know another city, meet new people and breathe, but i’m a stupid girl and this is kinda freaking me out.
I’m always looking at what i’m doing from above. I am looking at myself walking on the street and even if i don’t judge the people i meet, i’m severely judging me, and say stuff like « look at her hair, it’s so dry and awful, well now did you see the move she made with her hand ? what’s that ? » it’s killing me because i’m not that mean. I only am with the girl i see everyday in my bathroom’s mirror.
I’m looking at me through the other’s eyes. I try to guess what they’re thinking of me. I am always doing my best to make them say painful things, and then i smoke cigarettes and see my life collapse. That’s what i do. I don’t really need it, but i do it, just because this is how lame i am.
Everytime that i am somewhere, i am only thinking of all the places where i’m not. I am always ready to go but there’s nowhere i wanna be. I’m talking about cities and countries, but although about flats, restaurants, my house. I am always looking for what’s coming next. It’s tiring and not that interesting. And depressing. A lot. You should think that i wanna find the perfect place, but in fact i am always interested in leaving, all the time. There are a lot of people i love and i wanna keep in touch with them, but i know they won’t stay forever. I do what i have to do to grow up and forget the fact that i love them so and that it hurts so much. People always go ahead and make new stuff. But i’m not that fond of the past because it only means painful regrets to me.
When for some reason, i don’t regret someone, or don’t love this person enough, which rarely happens, my brain creates a sort of fake attachment and i miss this person a lot as soon as he leaves. My fucking brain works alone on memories and don’t let me sleep at night and jumps over me when i wake up.
If someone doesn’t love me the way i want to, my mind will work on itself and then whisper things like « if he doesn’t love you, youre the one to blame, because you didn’t do what was necessary and now you’re losing him ».
Then i say horrible things to this person and make sure that he will tell me that he doesn’t like me after a exhausting discussion, and then i freak out, go home, cry, and hear these whispers again- this is how i fail. This is what i do. These are my terrible mistakes and this is me, as psychotic as i am.
